I want to see her
by Lexiroseblue
Summary: Post 4x08. SPOILERS for series finale! Patsy is trying to deal with the aftermath of the accident, until Delia's mother comes to visit. Just me trying to cope with the many post- finale feelings. I don't know how long this will be - but here is the first chapter. Let me know if I should carry on!
1. Chapter 1

She had thrown herself into her work. It was the only thing that kept her from falling apart, from allowing the pain of loss to rip through her. To be part of something so magical, a part of new life, gave her solace that there was some good, some happiness in the world and that there was a future, even when she felt like none of it was meant for her. When Patsy informed the others of her intentions to stay at Nonatus, they all knew that it was because her friend was moving back to Wales to recover. What they didn't know was that when she kissed the keys to what could have been their flat and pushed them through the letter box, she wasn't just saying goodbye to a friend. She was returning her hopes of a happy life with the love of her life. They didn't realise that for her, by returning to Nonatus House she could pretend, as much as was possible, that none of it had ever happened.

Patsy walked briskly through the kitchen, leaning forward to grab a piece of toast from a plate on the table when a gentle hand on her wrist stopped her in her tracks.

"Nurse Mount" Sister Julienne released her hold on her wrist and looked up at the younger woman. She could see the beginnings of bags making themselves known under Patsy's eyes and the pain that still lingered in the blue eyes above. "Nurse Mount, I thought you were on the night shift last night?" she enquired.

"Indeed I was, but I was awake early this morning anyway and so I thought I could help Nurse Franklin on her district nursing rounds today. Speed things up a little as I know there are currently lots of cases of chicken pox amongst the children." Patsy looked over at Trixie, who gave her a small smile, failing to hide the worry from her face.

Patsy internally begged for her to let her continue to work. She knew they were all worried about her but she just wanted to work. She couldn't face being alone during the day. It was bad enough trying to block out thoughts of her dark chocolate hair and her lilting welsh accent at night, let alone when she knew she could be out doing something useful and worthwhile.

Sister Julienne smiled kindly up her. "I think for today Nurse Franklin can manage alone, if you are agreeable Nurse Franklin?"

"Of course" replied Trixie quickly "nothing I haven't seen before"

"You need to rest Nurse Mount" cut in Nurse Crane abruptly "You have been over working yourself and I for one will not be pleased if I have to pick up your rounds once you make yourself ill. Sister Julienne is right, no work for you today." She gave Patsy one last stare before following Trixie and Barbra out of the kitchen.

Patsy tried to hold back the tears. She knew they were right but she just wanted to keep busy. Sister Julienne got up from the table and stood in front of her, bringing her hands to rest on Patsy's shoulders while Patsy, setting her jaw, stared unwavering at her shoes knowing that if she looked up at the kind face of the nun she wouldn't be able to contain it all.

"Nurse Mount, you know that if there was ever anything the matter, we are a family here at Nonatus and you can always come and talk to us. You need not carry any burden alone. Please rest today, I shall see to it that your shift tonight is also covered," and with that she left Patsy standing alone in the kitchen, fists clasped at her sides, willing herself not to cry. She turned on her heels and it was all she could do not to sprint up to her room, slamming the door behind her. Sinking to her knees she sobbed, letting the pain and memories she had tried to keep bottled away overwhelm her. She cried until she felt empty, then, curling into a tight ball, at long last exhaustion won and she slept.

When Trixie arrived back from her shift around Poplar, she found Patsy lying still curled up, on the floor of their shared bedroom. Not wanting to disturb her she picked up the comforter from the other girls bed and lay it over her, tucking a pillow under her head also. She was thankful that Patsy was sleeping. She had often heard her tossing and turning as though she were having the worst of nightmares, mumbling in her sleep always the same name, Delia. Trixie knew not to question her about it. She had an inkling that the friendship that Patsy and Delia shared was stronger than any other and that there was most likely more to it that met the eye, but one didn't question it. Trixie didn't mind or have any objections, but it was not something spoken of aloud.

There was a gentle knock at the door and Trixie tiptoed quickly over.

"Sister Evangelina?" She whispered at the visitor "is something the matter?"

"Nurse Franklin, is Nurse Mount awake?"

"She's not. The poor thing is finally sleeping."

"That is a relief. However, there is a lady downstairs wishing to speak to her – I believe it to be Miss Busby's mother if the accent is anything to go by. Would you therefore wake Nurse Mount, and direct her to the kitchen when she is ready"

Trixie's brow furrowed "Of course. I wonder what she wants"

"That is not ours to ponder" Sister Evangelina left and Trixie gently closed the door.

Going over to Patsy she knelt down beside the sleeping girl.

"Patsy, sweetheart?" Patsy stirred slightly "Patsy, you have to wake up now, there is someone here to see you"

Opening her eyes, Patsy slowly sat up, looking around her, confused. "Why am I on the floor?"

"I don't know, you were like that when I came in, but you need to get up now, there is someone here to see you and Sister Evangelina says you are to head down to the kitchen as soon as you can."

Sighing heavily Patsy picked herself up off the hard wood floor, throwing the pillow and comforter onto her bed. With a quick look in the mirror to tend to any stray hairs, she left the room and made her way slowly downstairs. Her feet, and her chest, felt heavy and she was in no mood to speak to anyone. Rounding the corner into the kitchen she saw a woman seated with her back to her.

After taking a deep breath and plastering on the oh so familiar fake smile that she had grown so used to wearing in the recent months she said,

"Excuse me? Hello? My name is Nurse Mount, I believe you wished to speak with me? How many I help?"

The woman stood and turned. The smile fell from Patsy's face.

"Nurse Mount it's good to see you again"

"Please, call me Patsy, Mrs Busby" Patsy's could feel her heart thudding in her chest. She tried not to let her mind go to the worst, but why was Delia's mother here? What if….

"I hope you don't mind me turning up here so out of the blue, but there is something I wish to discuss with you"

"No, no of course. Please have a seat" Patsy said gesturing to the recently vacated spot at the table, her years of manners and etiquette kicking in, "I'll put the kettle on. What is it you wish to discuss?"

As Mrs Busby began to explain the reason for her visit, Patsy felt her control slipping all the more. Delia had begun to remember things. Nothing of significance, but had started to ask her mother about the same thing regularly. She wanted to see 'her'. When asked to whom she was referring, Delia had no answer other than, that there was a woman that she needed to see. She couldn't remember her name, or why she needed to see her, only that she must.

"I've wracked my brains for weeks trying to determine who she is talking about, but there is no one from our home that she was ever close to, or anyone at the Nurse's home that she mentioned. It was only when I remembered how worried you were the day of the accident that I thought it might be you." Patsy glanced up at the woman before her, waiting for her to get to the point of why she was here.

"So I have come to ask, as you know we don't have a telephone, whether it would be at all possible, and if you are willing, for you to accompany me back to Wales, and come and see Delia. If I am right, you could help her gain some memories back."

Patsy stared, stunned. She couldn't think straight, her heart was screaming _YES for goodness sake YES_ but her head would not agree so easily. What if it wasn't her Delia was remembering? What if seeing her again just means having to say goodbye once more? Before she could let those doubts set in she heard herself agreeing, as long as Sister Julienne allowed for it and not long after, Patsy found herself sitting in a cramped train carriage, gazing out of the window as the grey brick buildings of London gave way to the green of fields and trees.


	2. Chapter 2

Patsy jolted awake as the car began to bounce more violently as it trundled over the streets of a small town. The journey from London had been exhausting and as soon as herself and Mrs Busby had clambered wearily into the Busby's little family car, Patsy had promptly laid her head against the cool glass and drifted off, the green of hedgerows flashing by. As she looked around her now though, she saw a small cobbled streets with quaint little shops with windows filled with everything from bouquets of flowers in one to rows of fat pink sausages in the next. She smiled slightly. She could picture Delia growing up in a place like this, running up and down the narrow side allies with her friends, plaits flapping about her ears, going to the corner shop to buy peppermint creams at the weekends. She had always wanted to visit where Delia grew up, but she had pictured such different circumstances.

"Nearly there" said Mrs Busby glancing over at the red headed girl beside her. "We live just the other side of the village, slightly nearer the coast. You can see the sea from our patio"

Patsy smiled, "that sounds lovely"

"It is. As it's such a nice day I thought maybe it would be nice for the two of you to sit in the garden while you talk? If you wish that is?"

Patsy had almost forgotten what she was here for. Almost. She had been so absorbed in taking in her surroundings, watching the locals converse outside the shops, the sunlight bouncing off the window panes causing rainbows to adorn themselves on the otherwise grey stone buildings. It was a beautiful June day. All the sunshine in the world though couldn't stop the tidal wave of emotions that now hit her. Her heart began to beat a bit faster as all her previous worries flooded back. _Please let her remember me, please, please, please!_ She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She could do this. Couldn't she?

Not long after the car turned off the main street and began to crunch down a narrow drive way, and once it turned a corner Patsy got the first glimpse of Delia's childhood home, the white farm house standing stark against the cornflower blue of the summer sky.

Pulling up into the drive way, Mrs Busby turned to Patsy

"Ready?"

"I honestly can't say I am, but I don't think I will ever be" nodding in silent agreement Mrs Busby got out of the car.

As they got out and Patsy went round to the boot to help Mrs Busby with her luggage, Mr Busby made his way out of the house through the undersized dark wooden front door, stooping so as not to bash his head on the thatch overhang above.

"Hello dear" he said quietly pulling Mrs Busby into a firm hug. Releasing her he turned to Patsy.

"Thank you for coming Nurse Mount" also bringing Patsy in for a tight hug.

"Call me Patsy, Mr Busby. And that's quite alright. I just hope that I can help"

He pulled back slightly and gave her such a look that it felt as though her heart would burst.

"No matter what happens my dear, the fact that you would come all this way to try means more than anything to us both" he said smiling over at his wife.

"Where is she Thomas?" Mrs Busby enquired after her daughter's whereabouts

"She's sleeping" turning to Patsy he said "why don't you go and freshen up my dear and then head on through to the back garden. We will give you a few minutes before we wake Delia. Bathroom is through the door and first on the left. The garden is through the kitchen."

Patsy just smiled and gave a little nod. She didn't trust herself to speak. Slowly she walked into the house that her darling Delia had grown up in. It was just as she had described to her during those rare moments they had alone, cuddled up on one of the beds at the Nurse's home, or sitting as close as they dared in many a coffee shop.

The front door opened in to a large open plan kitchen, with rusty coloured floor tiles, and happy yellow painted walls. The granite work surfaces sparked in the sunlight pouring though the large window at the other side of the room. Little trinkets of family life could be seen all over, childhood paintings, framed stood proudly on the shelves, and on the stove a pot bubbled invitingly. The room smelled heavenly. It smelled like a home.

Patsy was staring, taking it all in when suddenly she was nearly taken out at the knees by what appeared to be a large brown fluffy moving carpet. A rough tongue began to lick at her hands and it was all she could to but to giggle and kneel down to pet, what she now realised was a rather large and boisterous dog.

"Ah that's Rufus. He's a bit overly friendly but wouldn't hurt a fly" said Mr Busby coming in behind her.

"Well, hello Rufus" Patsy addressed the dog, tickling him behind his fuzzy ears.

"Come on boy" called Mr Busby from what Patsy deduced as the hall way to the rest of the house. "Leave the young lady alone" Rufus bounded off in the direction of his master, leaving Patsy to make her way to the bathroom.

She stared at herself in the small mirror above the sink in the small closet-sized bathroom.

"Come on Pats, you can do this. It's going to be ok. Even if she doesn't know you, you get to see her again. You get to know she is well- or at least as well as she could be." Taking another long steadying breath, Patsy made her way out and across the kitchen to the door leading to the back garden.

It was a narrow but long back garden, sloping downwards towards the back, and over the top of the neatly trimmed hedge at the bottom, the sea could be seen, sparkling like a disco ball under the afternoon sun. The grass was well kept and the flower beds sported some of the most gorgeous blooms of bright pink geraniums and, yellow and orange tulips she had ever seen, in amongst large hydrangea bushes. Delia had always loved flowers. Walking slowly over to them Patsy leant forward and breathed in that sweet yet earthy smell of garden flowers. It calmed her nerves and reminded her of the slight smell of roses that Delia always had. Wrapping her arms around herself, Patsy gazed out at the sea, watching a couple of gulls dance in the breeze and she prayed to whatever or whomever was out there for strength.

"Hello?" Patsy jumped but steeled herself. How she had longed to hear that voice. Closing her eyes briefly, blinking back tears and taking what felt like her millionth deep breath since the accident, she turned. And there she was. Her Delia, standing slightly awkwardly on the patio. She seemed ethereal in the sunlight and it took every ounce of self-restraint Patsy could muster not to run to her and throw her arms around her. The slightly vague, faraway look about the other woman's face told true of the confusion behind those crystal blue eyes Patsy had grown to love so deeply. Slowly she walked towards her love, unsure of what to say. As she reached her and could see her more clearly she stuttered out

"H.. hello Delia" she offered up a small smile but try as she might she couldn't hold on to it for long.

Now she had moved closer and the sun was no longer in her eyes, Delia could look upon the woman before her properly. Her red hair glowed in the sunlight, and for some reason the small smile she gave her made Delia feel somewhat safe.

"My mother says you have come to see me?"

Patsy's heart plummeted. It felt as though it had gained 100 pounds in an instant. She didn't know her. Trying, but mostly failing this time to blink back her tears and taking a few steps towards her, she bravely decided to reach out and take one of Delia's wonderfully soft, pale hands in hers. She looked at Delia's confused face, seeing the girl stare back at her.

"Y..y..yes Deels, I'm have, it's me Patsy" she couldn't keep her voice steady but gave Delia a watery eyed smile. "I'm here Deels"

As she felt Patsy take her hand in hers, and hearing the use of a name she had never heard before but felt like she knew, it was like someone had suddenly sucker punched her in the chest. Her dreams came hurtling to the forefront of her mind, the woman with the red hair with that super magic smile. The woman that for some reason she had felt drawn to, had begun asking her mother about, although she never fully remembered much about her in the mornings. It was her, she was here.

"It's you?!" she exclaimed, bringing her free hand up to cover her mouth in shock.

Patsy froze. _Does she remember me?_ Trying to keep herself from hoping too much she asked "you remember me?"

"Just your face, I dream of it every night, and that name you call me, that only you call me. Why? Why is it I know you?"

Patsy's heart, heavy as lead mere moments before, began to soar. _She remembers. Not everything but she knows you!_

"Oh my darling, because we were, ARE, friends. The **best** of friends."

Delia smiled but still looked confused "…but I know no one else from before, other than mother and father" Patsy's smile faltered, and she looked down at the floor, unable to keep her lovers puzzled gaze. She then felt a soft hand under her chin, bringing her head back up to once again stare into those sky blue eyes.

"I do not feel that that is all Patsy" the name felt so familiar on her tongue as she said it, like a nursery rhyme you forgot you knew until you were singing it to your own children as they slept. "I feel like there is something else but I can't catch hold of it"

Unsure of what to say Patsy closed her eyes and slowly nodded her head, tears beginning to roll slowly down her cheeks. Delia began to feel distraught, the sight of this beautiful woman crying made her heart ache but she didn't understand why. The need to comfort her was so overpowering that she pulled the other woman into a tight embrace, allowing her to sob quietly into her shoulder. Being held once again by the woman she loved just made Patsy cry all the harder.

"Oh, oh please don't cry it makes me want to cry also!" she said holding a comforting hand up to Patsy's head. "Come on, let's sit" and so guiding the still crying Patsy gently down, they sat on the edge of the patio, hands still clasped together.

Once again bringing Patsy's head up to so that she could see her face, Delia gently ran a thumb across Patsy's cheek whipping away the tears that were starting to stain her cheeks. "I want to remember, Patsy. I **wish** I could. I have all these feelings, like I've been missing something but I didn't know what, and the dreams just added to that confusion. But having you here, something feels right about it."

"I want you to remember too" Patsy whispered. "But I don't know if you ever will"

Patsy felt defeated. Remnants of feelings weren't enough without the memories to validate them. Delia linked their hands together and held Patsy's gaze.

"I don't know why I feel so drawn to you Patsy but I know now that I need you here. I want to know why it is you are the only person I can remember. So maybe, maybe we can be friends? I feel like there is something that means we could never be apart for long"

Patsy gave her another small smile, tears no longer falling. Although it broke her heart that that's all they could be, at least for now, friends was better than no Delia at all.


End file.
